THEY’RE BAAA-AAACK!

Sorry for posting a weird video in the middle of the night-- my mom called me literally ten
seconds later offering to come over and make sure I didn’t get rabies. Sorry, Mom! And sorry
anybody else I worried!

The raccoon woke me up again last night-- I heard something scrabbling around in the guest
room and tried to catch it in the act.
When I went into the guest room the trap was sprung but there was nothing inside.
Bad idea: try to do a drywall project at 4AM! I swear I heard it IN THE WALL-- so creepy, you
guys. Nobody’s been getting much sleep, and I was so pissed off and out of it that I thought I
should find where it was nesting and just be done with it.

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I messed up my nails pretty bad trying to get behind the baseboard, so I got a hammer, and it
was all downhill from there.

 I should not be allowed to play with tools

I should not be allowed to play with tools

M is pretty bummed out. I’m going to try to cheer him up by making him hot plate mac and
cheese (my new specialty). I think he’s starting to wish we’d just stayed in our old apartment,
where we had a maintenance guy to fix things and no animals in the wall and I slept like a
normal person… But we’re making progress!

HOW TO PATCH DRYWALL (CALIFORNIA PATCH)

 (Subtitle: How to watch your husband patch drywall, because you’re an idiot)

(Subtitle: How to watch your husband patch drywall, because you’re an idiot)

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 This guy is the best-- but not in the best mood

This guy is the best-- but not in the best mood

So, in order to keep even more animals from crawling into our lives, we had to patch the hole I made in the drywall ASAP. (I tried to do it myself but I had a negative pregnancy test this morning and sort of freaked out in Home Depot, so M is helping me because he’s the best, even though he’s still in a lot of pain, even though he’s married to a dummy, even though I scream at night and made him buy a house full of raccoons, even though sometimes it feels like we will never, never get pregnant.)

Luckily the hole is only about six inches at its widest spot. This kind of patch job is called a “California patch.” (Perfect! But I can’t figure out how it got its name-- any ideas???)

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Step 1: Cut a piece of drywall for the patch. M made a square 2 inches wider and higher than the hole I made by being a hysterical asshole in the middle of the night.

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Step 2: Use a box cutter to cut through the drywall about an inch from the edge. Do this from the back, so that you only cut through the white wall part, NOT THE PAPER BACKING!

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Step 3: Break the edges off without tearing the paper.

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Step 4: Hold the patch up against the wall and trace around the inside square.

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Step 5: Use a knife to cut out the square in the wall, making a nice puzzle piece to fit your patch into. (We checked to make sure there were no wires to accidentally cut through, though electrocuting myself seems pretty on-brand right about now.)

Step 6: Use a scraper to put joint compound on the back of the paper part of the patch. Fit the drywall square into the little cutout in the wall and press the paper down against the outside edge of the hole so it sets.

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Step 7: With the scraper, cover the patch with joint compound to hide the seams.

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Step 8: We had to do a second coat, letting the compound dry in between.

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Step 9: Sand the whole thing-- viola!

Step 10: Tape oven mitts over your wife’s hands while she sleeps so she doesn’t destroy any more of your house.

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